


isn't it lovely

by retrofuture



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Drabble, M/M, angsty, kihyuk, this is really short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 18:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19068289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrofuture/pseuds/retrofuture
Summary: "as the universe is just a big coincidence. as the via lactea only came to be because of an explosion, and as the moon only shines because of the sun, he too needs a catalyst."





	isn't it lovely

**Author's Note:**

> this is clearly inspired by me listening to too many billie eilish songs

isn’t it lovely? the way the moon hangs on the night sky, shining only because the sun exists. because of a happy coincidence that made that star possible, which made every other planet possible, as well the one minhyuk’s living in now. the night is for the lovers, he always thought that. but there’s a special kind of loneliness in the constellations today. maybe they’re trying to match the way his chest feels heavy and his heart thorn.

he’s been kicking the same rock now for three blocks. there’s not a sound ringing on the streets but his own breathing and the rock hitting the pavement now and then. it still feels too damn loud in his head. flashes go through it and he stops in his tracks. an argument. a look. a touch. where do you draw the line between just friends and something more? when is enough, enough? how many times will he accept having his heart broken by the same person over and over again? at this point can it even be mended? and does it matter?

does it matter when tears run down his cheeks slowly, leaving barely a trace there for the wind is strong and erases them as quickly as they come. he hates the feeling of choking up. thinks that maybe, just maybe, if he talks to the moon, she’ll hear him. she’ll remember the many times before he has told her about this boy. brown, cat-like, eyes, gray ash hair, too damn well taken cared of for all that bleach, that sometimes gets in his eyes. and minhyuk wants so bad to reach it, reach for him. but as he is close, he is too damn far away at the same time.

he has forgotten by now what they were arguing about. too quick to forgive, has always been. and he can lie. he can say it’s fine like that. friends argue all the time. but he’s been kept closer than that for as long as they know each other. he can’t draw a line because he’s not the one in control here. he’s just playing by someone else’s rules, relying on the boy’s kindness.

he passes his fingers on his cheeks. they’re warm but he’s not. he looks up at the sky again, wonders how many times he tried to numb his feelings, shrink himself to fit somebody else’s expectations and wishes. his heart is way too damn big and empty and maybe that’s why kihyun doesn’t want to stay. it’s a prison, minhyuk knows he sees it like that. wouldn’t know what affection really meant even if it bit him in the ass. doesn’t want to be locked up, by choice or otherwise.

his pocket buzzes. once, twice. stops. starts again after a minute. and so on and so forth. he sits down on the sidewalk, hopes he won’t wake up the family that lives just next door when he answers that call, and prepares himself for the yelling. kihyun has never yelled, but others have. he’s still afraid till this day. trauma stays in ways people don’t.  
the phone buzzes again, he picks up this time on the first ring. there’s silence, something akin to white noise. and it’s not odd, just different. he doesn’t know what to do with silence, too used to talking non stop.

“hello?” he tries. small. barely there. like his voice isn’t his, but has a desire of its own.

“hey.” the familiar voice responds. there’s no anger, no bite. it sounds flat. but minhyuk knows better, he knows kihyun too damn well not to notice the sadness tinged gingerly on his voice.

they remain silent for a while, but minhyuk’s heart is beating so loud he thinks it’ll jump out of his ribcage and start walking, searching for what it wants. has to have even if it cuts it little by little like thorns on a rose would to a hand.

“i’m sorry.” kihyun breathes out like his chest can’t hold the words anymore. there’s guilt and there’s fear. fear of losing, of rejection.

“i’m sorry too.” minhyuk says. he’s too much, always been. who’s gonna love someone that feels everything too intensely? that doesn’t know how to hide, how to a play a game? someone that needs and needs and needs? he’s not selfish, he knows he gives and gives and gives. but it’s tiring. he doesn’t want to tire kihyun out.

“what are you sorry for, exactly?” kihyun asks. he’s sounds angry, disappointed. congratulations, minhyuk thinks, he just managed to say the wrong thing again.

“for being me.” and it’s honest. it’s raw. it crawls out of some place minhyuk likes to pretend it doesn’t exist inside of him. some dark pit that eats away all the happiness he manages to muster, all the love.

“don’t say that.” kihyun pleads. still slightly annoyed, but sad too. “where are you?”

“i don’t know. on a sidewalk. staring at the moon.” he says, because it’s true. he’s lost.  
maybe he’s lost in so many more ways than just the one. he’s lost and he has lost. how does one get back all the pieces of him he has given to someone else? and would they recognize his body as home if he ever were to find them? would stitching them to where they once belonged make it all ok?

“is it shining brightly?” kihyun tries to lighten up the mood. minhyuk hates it. it’s faking. things aren’t ok and he needs to talk. kihyun doesn’t like talking, not really.

“yes.” minhyuk answers. doesn’t say a word more. the lump on his throat is almost preventing him from breathing. he might as well choke on all the things he wishes he had the guts to say.

“can i… come pick you up?” kihyun asks. unsure. reaching for minhyuk not in the way he wants but maybe in the way they both need.

“let me let you go.” it surprises even minhyuk himself when he hears what he just said.

“is that what you want?” distant. and it stings. it bleeds just a little bit more.

“no.” and it’s true too.

“tell me what you want then.” kihyun sighs deeply. he’s tired. maybe because of minhyuk, maybe because it’s late.

“you.” a single tear runs down minhyuk’s cheek. lonely just as he feels. has always felt.

“you have me, though.” kihyun counters. he hears keys being toyed with distantly.

“do i?” minhyuk runs his hand through his hair.

“maybe not in the way you want. but yes.” at least he’s being honest.

“did you get lonely? did i make you feel alone?” minhyuk wonders out loud. forgets for an instant he’s on a call.

“never. quite on the contrary. but maybe i did that to you.” kihyun counters back.

“when the party's over you can come.” minhyuk says. takes a deep breath. swallows the lump down like he has done many times before.

“i’ll find you then. wait there, ok?” kihyun pleads. minhyuk hears him moving, people talking when he passes them by. “minhyuk?”

“yeah, sure. i’ll wait for you.” and there’s more to his words than he lets on, but kihyun doesn’t notice, he hangs up instead.

the sky is dark. there’s clouds now, and the moon seems to be trying to hide from him. “what’s one more time? one more apology? we both know i’d give him a thousand more.” he screams at her. “i’m fine with him not loving me like i love him. someone will always love more anyway.” but he knows it shouldn’t be like that. still, he can lie again. he likes it just the way it is.

as the universe is just a big coincidence. as the via lactea only came to be because of an explosion, and as the moon only shines because of the sun, he too needs a catalyst. and that’s kihyun for him. beautiful feelings demand a bit of pain, don’t they? minhyuk thinks that yes, yes they do.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3


End file.
